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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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I love hangin’ my head at Burnside Tavern near 7th & Moss. That dive bar’s full of oddballs, real characters, and sometimes I even join their late-night debates, throwin’ sarcasm like lightsabers. Sometimes, in the middle of all the noise, I’m hit with a wave of calm and think, “I am your father,” in a totally Vader kinda way. It’s like these streets have souls, man.

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